Don't Piss Off The Nerd Angel
by clair beaubien
Summary: Cas is drunk, annoyed - and has a very good vocabulary. Rated for language.


Set vaguely in S5.

* * *

It turned out to be an interesting evening, going to a bar with my geek little brother and an angel-in-decline.

A really _annoyed_ angel-in-decline.

Honestly, I don't know what put the burr under Cas's saddle, but he was _pissed_. He'd spent half the day muttering against our enemies, his friends, life, fate, and anything else that seemed to suggest itself to him. I hoped going out for a beer might help calm things down. But things only got worse when one of the drunken yahoos who were harassing the waitresses and making too much noise decided Cas made a likely target for ridicule.

"Hey, buddy." The guy slurred, staggering up to us where we sat at the bar. He was overweight, red and sweaty, and looked like he was playing hooky from something work-related with his dress pants and dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up. "Don't you got a tax return you need to audit?"

Then he barked out a laugh and turned to his buddies for some drunken reinforcement. Maybe they were in town on a convention and decided to slum it in this bar; they were all in suits, with jackets and ties in various stages of pulled off and set aside. They were loud and annoying and more than a few other patrons were grumbling about them.

Cas didn't seem to hear him though. He only took a sip from the glass of beer in front of him. I was next to him, and Sam was on my right. It'd been a bad many days and weeks and _months_, and all we wanted was forty minutes of peace and quiet, and all the cold beer we could drink.

What we got was more of the loud mouth.

"Hey - _buddy_." He tried again, a little louder this time. "C'mon, I'm talking to you. Cantcha take a little joke? Whassa matter?"

Cas took another sip but his fingers were getting tighter and his knuckles were getting whiter around the glass of beer. With each passing word, his grip tightened until I thought the glass would shatter. I decided to join the fray.

"Hey, pal. Why don't you and your frat boy buddies go get wasted somewhere else? We're not here to listen to your mouth run all night."

"Ooooooh - he's a tough guy!" He said and then - I swear - he chortled. _Chortled_.

Sam leaned closer to me.

"You want me to - ?" He offered.

"_Please_." Nothing like eight feet of '_you want to mess with __**me**_?' to send guys - even drunkenly stupid guys - running. Usually all Sam has to do is stand up to make it happen. I'd only just heard his boots hit the floor though when Cas stood up and turned to our pal.

"Are you attempting to draw me into a confrontation, you microphallic ninnyhammer?" Cas asked. While 'Drunk and Stupid' blinked and tried to figure out what just got said, I leaned back to Sam.

"Did he just say the guy has a tiny - ?" I whispered.

"Yep." Sam whispered back.

"Wow."

"_Yeah."_

With one more blink, Drunk & Stupid, decided to give it another go.

"What'd you call me?" He was trying to sound tough and tougher, I knew the tone, but the slight sway as he stood there didn't help his cause any.

Cas took two steps to be in the guy's face.

"I called you a _microphallic ninnyhammer_, you _caprylic coccydynia_."

Behind me, Sam snorted a laugh.

"_What?_" I was still whispering.

"_He just called the guy a pain in the butt who smells like a goat_." Sam whispered back and I nearly laughed beer out of my nose. Gee whiz, who knew Cas had it in him?

"Hey - now -" Drunk and Stupid apparently got the gist of some of it. " - there's no call to be calling anybody names - "

"Then I suggest you and your _steatopygous_ friends remove yourselves from this establishment before I decide to _bescumber_ the lot of you."

All I had to do this time was just lean closer to Sam and he immediately interpreted for me.

"He called them 'fat ass' and threatened to - um -" He hesitated, but I knew it wasn't because he didn't know what the word meant. " - to spray them with - uh - _fecal material."_

Yep, real glad I wasn't drinking beer _that_ time.

"_Cas?_" I asked Sam, and he nodded his own disbelief to mine. "Threatened to spray them with -"

"_Yep_."

"So -." Cas intoned again when Drunk & Stupid hadn't answered him. Even all his drunken pals were silent. "Are you and your _carminative_ cohort going to leave these premises?"

I looked to Sam.

"_He said they give him gas."_

Really, I was beginning to hope the guy _didn't_ leave because I really wanted to hear Cas deride him some more. I love learning new words.

But - no. Drunk & Stupid _and cohort_ picked up their jackets and threw down some money and swayed their way toward the front door.

Clearly enjoying his moment, Cas picked up his glass of beer and gestured with it as though he was toasting our departing friends.

"As Oscar Wilde said," he said, loudly, to their backs. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, _whenever_ they go."

He drained his glass and reclaimed his bar stool as the rest of the bar burst into applause.

the end.


End file.
